Today I was driving home from work on the long highway on Route 10. I hate this highway, last month a car caught on fire, I don’t know how or why but I just happened to be driving that way when I saw it.
I never get the chance of seeing the sunset, since I started working longer shifts, longer routines…
and today was different, I saw it for the first time alone in 4 years, I saw it, I observed it, and I was mesmerized. A honk from the car behind. “let me enjoy this for a moment” I thought, but of course I can’t, I am at a traffic light.
I decided to stop on the side, I just do. a single tear down my cheeks. “I should’ve known, I should’ve known that I would lose you again.” the colors were changing, it was turning darker and darker.
“we are on our way, it’s so hot today, jesus.”
[typing]”bet, you guys brought food or something? that place is too far. keep me posted.” send.
I get in the car, and I couldn’t be more in love by The 1975 plays, this whole album is a roller coaster and I have no intention of changing it to a different one. next song comes on, I always wanna die (sometimes), how fitting. I cry on my way home. I didn’t know how hard it was to drive while crying, nothing like when it’s raining, this is different.
last song to play before getting out of the car, inside your mind.
home. for the past year I thought about leaving my house, not because I needed to, but because I saw the sunset again, last year, because of you. it was beautiful, beaming, it had the most pleasing smile I have seen ever. it sparked something in me, something I hadn’t felt in years, and last time it was the same sunset.
I sat on my bed. thinking about all of my ideas, and my future with you. *ding ding*, a notification pops up. “we are almost there, you remember what I told you I would cook for you? what was it?” I know you know how I feel, after 14 years of knowing each other I can say we are connected. I don’t know what to say, but as the “good friend” I am supposed to be, [typing] “steak with some white rice and a salad, maybe some wine(?)”, laughing emoji. send.
I go on instagram. your story is the first one I see, a bunch of pictures of the ride to the airport. “excited”, “can’t wait to see you”, and for the first time, it’s not me whom you’ll meet there.
I put my phone down. I take a deep breath. a shower. 12 WhatsApp notifications. I don’t open them, instead, I open instagram again. Click on your story, “waiting for you!” a picture of you smiling, “it must be sunny somewhere else” I thought.
I forgot to look at you. a full schedule kept me busy from looking at you, the journey to find myself kept me away from admiring you, I had my gaze on excuses instead of you, and then, finally, when I thought I had you, I lost you, and I had you for a little bit, and then I lost you again. for real this time.
I had three slices of pizza. *ding ding* another notification. “got dinner already? remember to eat, your stomach would hurt if you don’t. Also, I want to make brownies for you guys next time. millie loves them, you think she’ll come over to get some? I told tessie they can come any time.” I have to reply, I opened the chat anyway, “oh you know they love it, of course, I ate already. no milk” send. “you think I’ll try to kill you?” laughing emoji. if you knew I was eating pizza… “is he there already? he must be hungry, that’s a long flight, 8 hours, damn.” send.
no answer. I go to bed. and type until my fingers hurt and my eyes are red.
I remember the day you told me about him. I was at work, you kept telling me you needed to tell me something “it has to be in person, when you come in the summer remind me”, the summer was gone. when I told you I was going back for a medical appointment you said “I’ll tell you the very important thing”, and the appointment was done. a week after, I’m in the USA again. you haven’t told me anything.
November 18th. WhatsApp notification. “can you talk right now? I wanna tell you the important thing” laughing emoji. multiple. I called you. the usual greetings, and then, “speaking of you know, life, I wanted to tell you something” a lot of things go through my mind, mostly because you tend to talk and talk before getting to the point, “she’s probably gonna talk about us” I thought, I have always been reserved to myself over this, I respect you and your family and I expected you to make the first move just to be sure I could move forward. “are we still a thing?” I expected many things but never “I found someone over the spring, and we have been talking for a while, I didn’t want to say this on the phone, honestly, I tried to talk to you in the summer and then at the beginning of the fall”, you said the latter, while I don’t say anything.
it happened in the spring of April, the third week to be specific. I was there in the first week of April. it’s not destiny, it’s just life. I asked you how you met him “oh yasmin, she introduced us”, oh our good friend. I don’t say anything else. I heard you talk about him with emotion and excitement, and then “did you eat, sir, you have to eat?”, I love the fact that you know me so well. I said a couple of things, how happy I was for you, how I hoped everything goes well, and that you deserve happiness and nothing else.
as I finish putting stuff away and you changed the topic four times, I asked you who else knew, “well, santi, he was here in the summer, he came over to visit my grandpa you know how sick he is, and he asked me how things were with…” long pause, no need to say it. “you know, and he asked me and I told him about him, he was super excited.” that summer I tried to talk to you, we took a lot of pictures together and in each one, all I’m thinking about is “now is the moment” just a thought fucking coward. I can’t believe santi knew about it before me.
I met santi that same summer. santi, however, met me three years ago. As you tend to change topics we went on to talk about your grandparents. and then, "well, I will leave you to work, I know I talk a lot, so later?", there is a long pause, I had so much to say but all I say is "later."
I went home listening to Stephen Sanchez's love life, as mine was going downhill from that point on.
November 19th. my birthday. I woke up and couldn’t believe you said all that the day before my birthday. of course, I was just being an asshole for a couple of minutes. then, “she has to be happy” and I cried. for the next couple of hours. alone in my home. the one I dreamed of leaving to be with you. crying, trying not to think. I played some adele, hold on starts playing, hated that song when the album came out, I'm my own worst enemy, right now I truly hate being me, and I couldn’t resonate more with it. I talked to a couple of friends about it. some are on my side and others are not, but the truth is there are no sides.
there was no cake, no more than 8 birthday wishes. it was a quiet day, just me and my thoughts.
January 15th. my phone rang, and your name pops up, “huh I wonder”, I picked up on the fourth ring. the usual greetings, I got better at hiding the pain. your voice has so much spark in it, “what’s going on?” I asked sincerely. “he is coming tomorrow night, he will be on his way, I just had to say it!”, your voice sounds happy and alive and my stomach dropped. it was not a busy day so my mind had a lot to think about.
four nights ago. you didn’t text me in the last four days. and it’s been two months since we promised we wouldn’t change. we haven’t, you are just busy, and I need to understand it, you have a new person in your life that needs your devoted time. all that time you wasted on me.
today. I just want you to know that today I finally looked at the sunset again. that I had the chance to see it and feel its warmth. and that even then, I saw you, all I saw was you, you crying when I left six years ago, crying when I asked you to wait for me four years ago, smiling when you saw me again two years ago, smiling when you looked at our pictures a year ago, all I saw was our moments together, that you were the first sunset I stopped and truly looked at, it’s beauty, it’s magnificent, you.
and now all I’ll see it’s you two, doing all of those things I thought we were going to do one day.
two weeks later. I went on instagram, which I have decided I won’t do anymore, and I saw you and our friends on the story update, his friends from now on. the last picture, is just you two looking at the sunset. then I remember last summer, a year ago, you took a selfie of me looking at the sunset as you were looking at me. now you are looking at him and him looking at you. I looked away.
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