ivory (album) by omar apollo plays, intentionally.
tonight is one of those nights where I look for the pain, to feel human. my life has been so monotonous lately that I have to do this, just to feel human. a lot has happened lately. but there is just so much that I have to say, tonight I might as well just get some off my chest.
I am writing to you to hurt you, to hurt your feelings and his, to make you cry, to be selfish.
it was the day we met our new friends, nine years ago. we all got together at this diner, I hated going out and you knew it. I felt like an outsider the moment I put my foot on that diner. as we walked to the tablet everybody stands up.
I just hear a bunch of his and hellos, and hands touching mine. “disgusting” I thought. it’s you, my cousin, our two other friends, kayla and ashi, and the newbies. “heyyyy, this is berto, ale, joni, sair, and xandra”, you introduced everybody to me and my cousin. I don’t know where you meet all these people from, “I met them at the english institute”, reading my thoughts as always. I supposed kayla and asky know them because you do not introduce them.
as we sat, it took me a second to recognize a face. “wait, I know you…” I swear it was a whisper, but everybody stares at me. I hated attention back then. “oh sorry, never mind”, he stares at me like I just dropped a bomb on everybody’s faces. “so how are you guys?” you said. our social butterfly. everybody started talking and I did not wanna be there so, I stood up, went outside and there I was alone. this is a huge plaza, I stared at some shoes that are in the corner, but I was so close to you guys that I could feel a gaze from time to time.
as I am standing there, I can hear my cousin walks up to me, I can hear her military feet coming up, “you need to be more social, this is disgusting”, she stares at me with menace. she’s 2 years younger than me but scarier. but I wish jenni hadn’t said that because that’s the day I made the mistake of hurting you.
I went inside with her and sat there and total silence. ale guy keeps looking at me like he understands me but also wants to kill me, that weird look that he still gives me to this day. his brother is feeling the same way as me, I can tell he is uncomfortable as hell. xandra and sair, talking to my cousin and our friends about korean dramas and you are talking to berto like your life depends on it.
after that everybody is ready to go. naturally, the conversation was alive, joni and I were the only ones not talking, which was fine, I was an expert on making the atmosphere uncomfortable. it did not help the fact that he was sitting in front of me. great.
as they are saying their goodbyes, berto comes close to me, “hey, antisocial guy, what’s your deal?” he says in a whisper tone. “nothing.” I don’t even try to look at him, instead, I look ahead, there is a kid beating the shit out of a chicken tender, it was funny, but I did noticed his huge lips, and my eyes get bigger “I know you from somewhere” I said in a suspicious tone, still looking at the chicken tender killer, “are you looking at my lips, they are sexy right?” he replied in the most fuckguy tone he ever used with me, “are you crazy?!?”, an overreaction. “chill”, and he dares to smack them. I know you do not know any of this, as you were busy talking with everybody else. “where do you know me from?”, online, I’ve seen him. “I don’t know, you look familiar”, “you’ve been looking at me for too long then, and we just met”, oh this guy is soooooo, “oh I remembered now, an asshole.” the guy laughed at me. “why are you so antisocial, everybody was trying to include you on the conversation”, yeah I know, you know, everybody knows, that was my special talent, to make the whole room feel uncomfortable. you came in and interrupted us, finally, broke that piece of shit.
we all say our goodbyes and off everybody goes. I noticed ale never said bye to me, it was weird, he was the most educated guy on that table, so well-mannered, and so fluent in his speaking, this guy can eat shakespeare up in a second.
we all went home and then it all started.
*ding ding* *Roberto sent you a friend request*, I stared at my tablet. “who the fuck gave him my facebook?” I was eating some cereal, thinking about what movie to watch and how I was going to fail my spanish test the next morning. I stopped and stared, “I know you from twitter, asshole, you are the kid who acts like he is some model on twitter, ugh, annoying as hell”, I said aloud and it was him, I know it, his name was the same on IG. yes, I looked him up.
for context. he was in a group with my cousin on facebook, it was about photographers in the city since not many young people were going for anything related to that anymore, “smartphones are the thing now” that is the slogan for the ages, back then, bro, a blackberry? so I looked him up on twitter and there he was. that was a year ago. he felt and looked egocentric.
I do not know what to do, “should I accept it or just ignore it, or even better, block him”, I accepted it. as you might know by now.
“hi, weird dude”, I played mariah carey’s obsessed as if it was part of the background music on an episode of a show. “hi”, I replied. “how are you now? better at home?”, “yes.” I kept on eating my cereal. *ding ding* *princess sent a message*, I replied to you right away, “it’s okay, we don’t need to see them again, do we lol?”, I typed my thoughts away. you know I never use “lols”, “did you hate them that much? smiling emoji”, “I didn’t. hate is a big word. but I am not planning on being friends”, I’m typing as if my life depends on it, “there is no point, they look all “different” like they poop gold and silver, no ma’am”, *incoming call from Roberto…* “WHAT THE FUCK?!” I dropped my tablet.
I always had thoughts, but never knew what I actually was. never knew how to react to guys complimenting me or girls complimenting me. it was the weirdest shit ever.
an exasperation on my part. *decline* I hit the red button. *ding ding* a new notification “so you can’t speak on the phone or in person, you are weird dude. [typing…]” I don’t reply. my head is spinning, suddenly I am shaking and nervous. *ding ding* a new notification “you really need to get new friends toni, we can’t go out like this, I don’t know your friends, and you don’t know my friends, aside from our common friends…” blah blah blah. I am sorry. I never paid attention to this type of speech on your part. again, I was not the best person back then. I am sorry.
three weeks later. “at some point he’s gonna stop”. I was getting ready to meet our new friends. again. roberto hadn’t stopped texting. “good morning sir”, that was the day after we met.
and then,
“hope you ate today” day 2.
“what are you doing later on today?” day 4.
“how is your morning going?” day 5.
“you know, I think it is a good idea, I am going to leave you to study” day 10.
“man, I love white rice and some chicken tender, do you cook?” day 11.
“hahahaha it was never that serious” day 12.
“hey I hope you are okay, I texted last night didn’t hear back” day 15.
“you can talk to me if you need to” day 16.
“I like it when you laugh…” day 17. our first call.
“maybe, next time we see, you prefer chocolate or vanilla?” day 18.
“okay, see you tomorrow, sleep tight big boy” day 21.
“nobody ever called you that? oh then, my big boy?” day 21.
a shocker. that night was a weird night. we’ve been talking for the past three weeks then, and I started feeling weird. odd.
“what are you wearing tonight? should we match?” a message pops up as I am checking my hair on the camera. I am sorry. I never did that with you, you always fixed my hair whenever we saw each other…
“no, why? what are you wearing? don’t overdo it, this is not a model agency”, I texted him back exactly those words. “hey I am seeing you, maybe we can redo the disaster you made the first time”, I smiled at his message. fuck.
“I am outside idiot”, that was your message, I smiled at it too. [typing] “woah the disrespect” send. as I walked down I kept thinking about the whole thing, I was nervous, as if I had never stepped a foot outside my house, “why so smiley sir”, “you look beautiful”, and you did, you had a tight dress, colorful, it had flowers on it that blended really well with the others color on it. you smiled at me and went for my hair, “oh! no mess today? I’m impressed sir.” then my cousin and our other friends popped up, weird, I didn’t even notice they were there.
is all chatty on our way to the plaza. I am just thinking. “oh there they are”, you said with excitement. “hey, why did you change your mind, you are such an asshole, last time you made a fool of yourself and now you are here like damn…” give me a break jenni. all I thought was that. “hey hey listen I can walk out again I don’t give a single fuck”, so I started walking, I hear footsteps running behind me. a hug. my face is red, my insides are just aksjakjs and I am about to throw up. I knew it wasn’t you. I am sorry it wasn’t you. I cried at the thought of not being you later on. “where are you going my big boy?” in front of everybody, nobody said anything, I heard some giggles and I knew you were giggling too, why? while looking down on myself, literally and figurative, I whispered “stop…” I have always been shy and this made me want to kword myself right there. everybody staring. “relax my big boy”, he whispered and I just frowned.
we walked to everybody’s space. we say our greetings and go on to the eating space. I tried my best not to end up seating next to him, but you sat in the middle of yenni and kayla right away, "are you giving me away?" my first thought, jenni next to sair, sair next to xandra, xandra next to joni, joni next to his brother the other odd guy, ale, and berto next to ale, they were best friends, they made it clear, they were like “twins”, they did look alike, and I had two options, it’s either next to kayla or next to berto… I had none, I was left in the middle.
he stares at me as I grabbed my chair to sit, “mmm I took a shower today, don’t worry”, I know he did, he smelled really good, his perfume blended with mine and his aftershave cream was still floating around, “yeah, are you modeling today? let's see how long it takes for your egocentric energy to come off”, ale laughs a little, first time I see him laughing, everybody else was paying attention to everything else. I looked at you, radiant, smiling, enjoying life, “would she be happy with me? I am not, this is really not my atmosphere…”, “hey daydreamer, it’s time to order, I am not on the menu so you gotta look at options”, I am sorry, he had game.
we ate. and were having a good time. for the first time, I let go. “listen, man, you are funny, why don’t talk more?” ale complimented me. love him for that, love you ale if you ever read this… I am sorry for stealing him from you. I am sorry for what you are about to read princess…
it happened weeks later. everything was still the same, but now we called each other. names were changed, “Roberto” to “Bertico” because he is small. it wasn’t “hey man” anymore it was “hey youuu…” *shy quiet silence*, you see I-
The Pool by Stephen Sanchez starts playing.
I never intended to fall for somebody else. I am sorry.
four months later. *ding ding* new notification. “hey I need to talk to you”, I hate whenever people text me so seriously. [typing…]”okay? what is it?”, “no but like in person”, okay this is weird. he lived really far away, not the “forget about it” kind of way, but the “might take me 40 minutes to get there”… not that far. “can you come here tomorrow?”, I am staring at the messages that come in because I am thinking. “okay, 11 am?”, “yes”. no more messages. it was 7 pm. no good nights… and I am not the type that would message first so...
as I get to his house, I see his family leaving, they are always so nice, to all of us, you know, you met them before us. “see you later!”, I heard his sister call out. “oh hey toni, how are you? you look spectacular today!”, he told me his sister had a crush on me which was cute. “oh thanks, where are you guys going?”, I asked because I am dying to know why am I here and why is everybody else leaving but not him. “oh, we are going to grandma’s, berto says you wouldn’t wanna come because you are scared of her? I don’t know anyway see you”, off she goes. I met the grandma once, she has a loud voice I’ll say that.
“hey”, I went inside the house, he is sitting on the couch minding his phone, “hello?!?”, he looks at me from his phone, “you look beautiful, every day but today…”, cut the bullshit I thought. “hi”, he stands up and hugs me. I am sorry. “should we start greeting each other differently?”, my face turned red, I am not white but I am sure it was visible. “what do you mean, creep.” I pushed him away as I sat on the couch, “so what is it?”, “What a vibe killer, this is what I want to talk about”, a vibe killer? “why don’t we just watch tv and eat, it’s 12 pm”, I didn’t argue with that. he went to the kitchen and grabbed food for both of us. “here, eat it all, you are skinny”, thanks.
he sat on a different couch. as he turned the tv on, I can feel his gaze on me, and our eyes met at some point. he gets up and takes our dishes to the kitchen. “so, what was so important we needed to talk about it in person?”, I asked because my anxiety is killing me. he stays quiet until he finishes doing the dishes. he walks towards his room, and I am left as a puzzle. he comes out with a different set of pants. “sorry, I thought you were going to chicken out and not come”, lol I almost didn’t.
he walks towards me and sat beside me. he just stares at his kitchen. “hey, listen, are you sick?” I asked because I am clueless as to what was going on. “no” little giggles came out of his body. “okay, so I am so lost man”, “do you ever think about the way we speak to one another?”, yes I do. I don’t respond however. “do you think about how weird it is…” he turns his face towards me. “do you think about me as more than a friend? ever?”, I gasped. all the time, is my answer, but it never comes out. instead, I think about you. your smile… suddenly, I feel some type of warmth. and next thing I know my eyes are closed. I feel his hands on my hands, his fingers going through my hair and his other hand guiding mine towards his neck. I am not sure what’s happening but I just can’t stop it. I am sorry.
he pulled back, “I’m sorry toni”, I took a deep breath, and his face was red, but he could not stop looking at my eyes and lips, it was weird. I just stared at him. I feel many different ways, confusion is the biggest. “it’s okay… I guess?”, I sound exactly as I feel. “oh sorry for real this time I should have never”, he stares at me trying to read me, but there is nothing to read. “I thought we had something honestly I-“, I interrupted him, “oh I didn’t say a word, I am just surprised”, I was more confused than surprised. “next time you can just pull back if you are not into something like that… no no. wait, just let me know now so that I never do it again, I promise”, he looks cute, and I wanna hug him and jus.
so I kissed him. I wanted to feel his warmth again, I had the desire to touch his neck again, to run my finger through his crispy hair, and so I did.
before you think the unthinkable, that’s it. we did not do anything else. but I am so so so sorry, I know you are at your happiest now, but I can’t bear it. the next years were the worst but I don’t think a human could handle all that information right now…
I stopped writing this the moment my eyes were already red.
a week later.
as I intended to send you this as a letter, I regret it almost immediately. it took me a whole week to find a place, a place that wasn’t your chat message, your email account, or even your house's mail. I am sorry you’ll never get to read this. I am sorry for the fact that I wanted you to read it.
ale, I am sorry, this is how it all started, and if you knew, we would not be who we are today. but I am sorry, as you are next.
Comments