emails I intend to send: second email.

To: Ale

Subject: Excuses.

[last picture taken by us]

As I sit here with the throbbing pain in my head, I question why I'm putting myself through this. I can't bear the façade of happiness anymore, pretending to be joyful while everyone around me is content. Am I just a joke to my friends? I can't blame them or you, but with each passing day, I realize that we were never meant to be. And so, I write this letter to you, Ale.

Years ago, when we all went out, I remember observing you during our dinner and thinking, "This guy is strange, even stranger than me." You hardly spoke, nodding and smiling at everything. Strangely enough, I did the same, but I couldn't see it in myself.

After that day, our friendship was none existent. However, you and Berto remained the closest of friends, an inseparable duo. "Don't we look alike?" Berto asked with a hint of pretentiousness. "Yeah, you guys do," Jenni replied with a radiant smile. I knew she would develop a crush on someone, but I never expected it to be Berto. I watched both of you closely. There were resemblances between you, but Berto had a darker complexion, a broad smile revealing his teeth and full lips. His hair appeared incredibly soft, like a pillow, while you had a smaller, pretty smile, and back then, you needed braces. You were slender, and your hair had a rougher texture to it. Overall, there were moments when you two looked alike.

"When did you guys meet?" Princess asked. "I assumed you had known each other your whole lives." Jenni chimed in, "Oh yeah, since they were born." Your brother, always silent, uttered these words sarcastically. Laughter filled the air, even from me.

As time went on, we lost touch, and there isn't much I can say about our relationship during that time. But as you've already read, this is my attempt to make you suffer a little, and I apologize. For now, that seems to be my sole intention, although I know I'll regret it later...

I love you.

It all happened around the time we met, and by now, you probably know some parts of this story. Now you might have figured out why your friendship with Berto came to an end. "We were friends for about eight and a half years back then," you mentioned three years ago during our phone conversation about life. That meant you grew up together. "We did everything together, and you know, he wanted to be a model in some way or another, and since I love photography, why not?" There was a glimmer of passion in your eyes, a reflection of your deep love for both modeling and photography. "Then, out of nowhere, he stopped talking to me. Some days, I would walk to his house and sit outside." "Why?" I interjected, not allowing you to finish. "Because I called him many times, and he never picked up. I needed to make sure he was okay." You burst into laughter. "It was so dramatic, man." I simply stared at you. It was one of those nights when I wished we were talking in person rather than through FaceTime.

I couldn't help but admire your beauty. You looked delicate and beautiful, and I know you were aware of it. The way you smiled and looked at me conveyed so much...

"And then, his mom came out and said, 'Oh, he's not here.' But I knew he was there," you said with a pause.

I tried to read you for a moment, and all I sensed was sadness within you. "That's when I realized it was over, and our adventures had come to an end. I unfairly blamed Catherine for it, considering she was one of those people who seemingly appeared out of nowhere, befriended everyone, and struggled to keep secrets or keep her mouth shut.", this is so serious, I let you blame cat for my mistake, I let you go on, I know cat is a bitch, most of the time, but she was barely part of it. "But looking at us now, we're friends, even more than that..." I couldn't help but smile.

"You're like a brother to me now, and I've never felt closer to someone," I chuckled. "Are you sure you don't want to admit you're in love with me?" We both laughed, momentarily letting go of the guilt. However, I knew deep down that I would revisit the mistakes I had made later. We hung up, uncertain if you merely wanted to talk or if I wouldn't have been able to express all these thoughts back then.

After we started our secret relationship, Berto and I were constantly texting each other. There was hardly any time for anyone else. I often wondered if he ever mentioned it to you, and I worried that I might ruin everything. Two months into our relationship, he said, "I don't think I can keep talking to Alexander. I feel like he won't accept this." He was straightforward and precise, leaving me suspicious. "Why do you think that?" I asked, my tone and expression betraying my doubts. "I thought you guys were best friends."

"Well, we are, but I think he has feelings for me. He's been coming to my house almost every day to talk, calling me frequently, and we spend most of our time together. But I've never developed feelings for him, believe me." I was immature back then, and everyone knew it, which is why it shouldn't have been a surprise when I... "Well, just stop talking to him then. Would that be a problem?" The conversation came to an abrupt end.

Four months in. Jenni created a group chat for all of us, and Princess suggested, "We should all go out again; it's been a while." Jenni responded with enthusiasm, followed by others chiming in with agreement. Just as we were discussing the plan, Roberto called me. "Yes, sir?" I answered, wondering why he was calling. "Should we treat this as our first date with our friends?" he asked, catching me off guard. We had never been on a proper date before. "Are you planning on telling them what's going on?" I couldn't help but make sarcastic remarks; it was just part of who I was. "Well, maybe we can tell Alexander," he said, mentioning you for the first time in two months. Confused, I asked, "What do you mean?" Roberto explained how you guys hadn't stopped talking and that he felt guilty after lying to you about not being at home. He apologized, and you seemingly brushed it off without asking any further questions. Roberto suggested telling you about us, and against my better judgment, I replied, "Okay?"

Two weeks later. Princess's dad drove us to a beautiful place outside the city. Everyone was excited, and the food on the menu had great reviews. From a distance, I could see you, quiet and somewhat sad. "Forget about him," I thought. As we approached each other, Xandra immediately asked, "How did you guys get here? I told you to come with us!" Their house was far away from ours, but they were close to each other. "How were we supposed to come with you? Isn't it better to get here than to your house?" I couldn't help but be mean, and everyone laughed, but you didn't even crack a smile. I couldn't help but think, "Today is the day we let him know? With that face? Oh, he is going to hate us." As we sat at our table, you ended up sitting next to your brother and somehow ended up in front of me. "Great," I thought. This was the weirdest plan ever because there was no plan at all. Berto sat next to me, and I couldn't help but hate him for doing that. Throughout the whole dinner, I couldn't stop thinking, "How the fuck would this work?" Suddenly, out of nowhere, I felt somebody's hand on my right thigh. "Don't worry, man," berto said loud enough for everyone to hear. Where was the discretion? You just stared at us and kept eating.

Feeling overwhelmed, I excused myself and went to the bathroom. I felt like all the food I just ate was going to come out. "Breathe, man, breathe," I kept telling myself. I heard footsteps approaching... "Hey, are you okay?" It was you behind me, in the bathroom. "Huh?" I replied. "Are you okay?" you asked, looking worried. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. I think the chicken isn't well cooked," I replied. "Oh, here. Let's wash your face." You grabbed my hands and placed them on the sink, splashing water on my face. "Do you want some ice or something? I can ask them to get you some." Your voice had a warm tone to it, comforting me. Suddenly, the door opened. It was Berto, and he was beaming as if he had great news to tell.

You stared at him, and I wished you could tell me what was going on in your head. There was emptiness and a frown. "Oh, I just felt like vomiting," I said. "But he's better now, don't worry about it." You didn't even allow him to speak as you grabbed my hands again and put some water on my face. But this time, your tone was different. It wasn't warm; if anything, it was threatening. "Got it. Well, glad you guys are here," berto said. Are you kidding me? Just typing this makes me want to go back and vomit all over him. "Because I, no, we, want to tell you something, Ale," Berto finally spoke. Now, I really feel like vomiting. Berto just stood in front of me, and I could feel it. He just stood there as he spoke. "You do know he's not feeling well, right? Can you not think about yourself for once? Or is it so hard to get Roberto out of your mind and focus?" you sprinted out of the bathroom, and we were both left hanging.

Nobody moved. I was just there, breathing, and I saw you take a seat. "Maybe it was for the better," Berto said to me. "I just wanted to tell him because honestly, I feel like we've been living under a rock. We can't tell anybody. Nobody knows what's going on. I feel alone. I can't even talk to my own sister about this." I contemplated what to do as he started crying. I didn't know what to do, whether to hug him or act like he did a couple of minutes ago, selfish.

As we both composed ourselves, we walked back to the table without exchanging a word. Berto had cried for a bit, and I just stared. This was a different side of him I had never seen. Then, we both sat down. "Are you okay?" you asked me, and I swear nobody cared about it. Jenni, who is already aware of how I react when eating outside, seems unconcerned about my state. Even Princess, with her worried gaze, doesn't offer much more than that.

So, this is just a letter explaining why you and Berto stopped being friends. I'm sorry. I apologize for the fact that we became friends afterward, for stealing him from you, and then for stealing you from him. I am sorry for keeping this secret for the past couple of years.

Moving forward to May fifth, I want to apologize for the text I sent you today. I included a picture of you holding a book titled "Many Toxic Emotions," and I wrote "I have..." I waited anxiously the entire day for your response.

May 31st, I messaged Princess, or should I call her Lina now since she's no longer my princess. I asked, "Hey, did Alexander pick up my gifts?" The anticipation was overwhelming, and I felt dizzy and impatient while waiting for her reply. Finally, she responded, "[typing]... Nope, I texted him. Did he tell you he moved out? He now lives in the southern part of the country, which is great. I know he wanted that for a while." It has been nearly a year since I left you our "best friend" necklace. I'm sorry I couldn't see you in person back then, and I apologize for sending you this message now.

Today is the day I send you this letter.

Life update: I've been fighting to keep my sanity intact. It's like a constant battle inside my head. I'm trying to hold it together, keep a smile on my face, but deep down, I'm struggling.

You see, life has thrown some heavy punches my way lately. Losing my dad, graduating from college, it's been a whirlwind of emotions. Some nights, it's hard to sleep, my mind racing with thoughts and memories. Other nights, I manage to drift off, only to wake up with a heavy heart, reminded of everything that's happened.

But despite it all, I'm doing my best to stay sane, to find some sort of balance. I'm taking it day by day, finding moments of peace amidst the chaos. It's not easy, let me tell you, but I refuse to let it break me.

So yeah, maybe on the surface it seems like I'm okay, but beneath it all, I'm fighting to keep my sanity intact. I'm holding on tight, doing whatever it takes to keep myself grounded. It's a battle, no doubt, but I'm not giving up. I'll keep pushing forward, finding strength in the midst of it all.

I hope u guys r okay. love - tonei