Take yourself home, little angel

I can't help it. I shouldn't write it down, or is it a sign that it's real? I can't say it either, but there's nothing else I can do about it. I shouldn't feel anything for you, but I feel some type of rush. This is wrong; it makes me feel sick. But you are tall and gentle, you are everything I want right now. And I know it is visible; everybody can see it. I can't hide my feelings, not when you don't help either.

"Want some chocolate?" I asked him. He looked at me as if I asked him to marry me. "What kind of chocolate?" he replied, "Oh, it's just berries covered in dark chocolate." I said, "Oh, yes, I like them." He did not take his eyes off of me, and I know this because I didn't either. What's happening?

I handed him a couple of chocolates, "That's too much," he smiled at me, "You can handle it." There's no way to put it; I am just bad at controlling my mouth when it comes to this. But everybody wants him, everybody thinks he is this perfect man, the gentle one, always ready to help. I'm sorry, but I can't help it.

"So, are you going to help me clean after this?" I stopped thinking for a second and forgot he was in front of me, "Of course, I can do that. When?" He gave me another smile. I didn't mean to say things that sound weird; I meant to say I could help, but when, because there are a lot of people walking around. "Well, it is supposed to be more of us, but in about 15 minutes," he still hadn't shifted his gaze. "So I'll see you and you in about 15," he pointed at me and my friend.

I can't believe I look like an idiot. This is crazy; I can't stop thinking about him, and it's only been 5 minutes. I walked around with my stuff, deciding to bring them to my car. "Have you eaten anything?" "Holy fuck, you scared me," his sister was outside eating a sandwich. "Language. Did you eat?" she asked, "Yeah, a couple of minutes ago." There was a long pause; I had forgotten earlier we had a little weird moment. "Well, so you think I am beautiful?" I continued walking, ignoring her, "Manners!" she yelled and walked behind me, "That's cute. I think you are cute too." She kept walking behind me, "Cute." That's a very cute word for a 6'1 man. "Why are you ignoring me? I'm not saying anything wrong." I meant to say he was cute today; she was too, but he was cuter. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean to say that in front of your family, let alone your brother." A pause. I can't control my mouth.

"What does that mean? That I'm ugly?" I didn't say anything. "Does that mean my brother is cuter than me?" Yes. "No, I'm just saying, I am sorry."

Sometimes I wish I was a girl, so this could be easier to deal with.

I pushed all my stuff into the car, "Why did you bring your car if you're not even driving?" "Who told you I wasn't?" I said, "Your friend. She said you weren't driving." Her phone rang. "Hey... yes, I'm here with him... okay," she hung up, "We have to go help. Cool."

As we walked, I barely said anything. We got there, and a lot of people were waiting to be told what to do. "So here is this for you," he handed his sister a small spray bottle, "So, I will need you to clean the windows..." he kept talking, but I couldn't focus. I'm mesmerized, hypnotized. Suddenly, he looked at me and smiled. I can't take it; I looked away slowly. "And Cotton, you and Angel will work together to vacuum the carpets." Cotton, insufferable. I can't stand him; this is the only space I get to say it, so I might as well get it out. He acts like he is the most handsome man alive, as if he shits gold.

I couldn't believe I was paired with Cotton to work. "Hey, is there something else that I can do?" I went and asked him, "No, mister, that's about it." I felt like he knew what I think about Cotton; it felt intentional. "Okay." Maybe that is why he looked at me and smiled before giving me the insufferable guy to work with.

I sometimes stopped and looked around, just to see if I saw him. "Dude, you are supposed to work," Cotton said to me. "That's what I've been thinking for the past 20 minutes when you were on the phone." Yeah, I can't control it. "Okay, relax; I was joking."

"How is it going?" he came up to us, but only looking at Cotton. "So, once you guys are done, you can leave." Not a single glance at me; maybe he realized it. "Angel, before you leave, can you help me out with something?" I choked on my saliva. "Sure."

As I finished, I walked towards the cleaning department. I saw two people hugging; it was him and another girl. I did not feel my stomach drop; I just felt weird. I don't love him; I just have feelings for him. "Hey guys," I walked in like nothing; the hug felt long but at the same time, it didn't. I am not sure if I was standing there for 20 minutes or just 2 seconds. "Oh hey, this is Amelia, she's a friend from high school." Amelia had beautiful red hair, a small face, and freckles. "Hi, nice to meet you." "This is Angel, a good friend of mine." Now, my face dropped.

"What is it that you need?" I asked, and Amelia left right away, and I was already done with everything. "Oh, just wanted to say goodbye. I know you wouldn't come and say goodbye to me willingly." He kept organizing stuff, but I smiled, "Is that it? I walked over here for that?" I remember we both smiled at the same time. "Of course," he extended his hand, but I didn't see it as I was fixed in his eyes. "Angel!" he said, "Wake up," and smiled again. "Sorry, I am tired; I guess I was kind of daydreaming."

We walked out of the supplies room. "So, we are leaving," his sister came up to him, "We'll see you tomorrow?" "Of course, we will see him tomorrow," he said to me.

This is yesterday. He did not, in fact, see me today.

This all started a couple of months ago. We went out to eat after he said, "You barely go out, and you are worried about everybody else but not you," bold. We hadn't talked like that before. A couple of months before he started getting interested on my job and stuff. We went out and ate Asian food and talked, but nothing out of the ordinary. Until every time I saw him, he would give me a nickname or asl me questions.

"Did you eat today?"

"How was school?"

"Do you like soccer?"

"Well, we can all play a different game, then."

"Of course you are invited."

"I'll pick you up."

That's when I started to feel like somebody cared for me. I never went to any of those events, but he still asked me to come. Maybe he feels like he should do this, maybe because I am a loner. I hate the fact that I've been treated like this before, and now I can't trust anybody. But he makes me feel different, as if it's coming from his heart, as if this is his desire, as if a divine intervention happened, and now this is his path. I'm sorry I can't tell him, and I'm more sorry for me because I would never be able to explore this. I feel like I might live my teenage dream now that I'm older, that I could be treated like one of those guys in the movies, where teasing each other is a sign of more than friends, and where I get to enjoy hanging out with him and touching his hair while he looks into my eyes. I don't know.

"I'll be there."

How do I untangle myself from this situation?

I'm here, sitting while he is dancing with his girlfriend.

How do I take myself home now?